Happy Anniversary!
Only God knows (what we know about) the roads we traveled to find ourselves in this moment.
When we found each other we were shells of our former selves. The fractures to our self-confidence and self-esteem were easy to recognize. It was as if you were telling parts of my story in your voice with your words. There were times when it seemed like I was looking in a mirror. I felt your pain through my pain. We were both broken.
The weeks turned into months and then years. The more we talked the more comfortable we got expressing our fears. We had been so hurt by love that we cautiously approached it. We treated love as if we could somehow maximize or minimize its affects on our lives. We were sadly mistaken. In the words of Slavoj Zizek:
- Too many people are looking for love without the fall, without falling in love, without this totally unpredictable dramatic encounter...I think that today we are simply more and more afraid of love. We encounter something which is totally contingent, but the result of it, if you accept it as an event, is that your entire life changes.
I wanted to ask you something I had never asked another person: will you marry me?
This was problematic. The idea of loving anyone as much as I loved myself seemed foreign. I asked you, but I was still unsure if I could be the man you deserved: I still struggle with this from time to time.
We talked about the future as if it was a destination on a map. We knew we wanted to go there. The only problem was figuring out what to take with us. There weren't enough healthy Danny or Renee parts for two separate people to make the trip, so we packed what was worth saving from our past and added a heaping dose of God.
It's funny how the healing process works. Once we dropped our guard and started talking about the things that kept us awake at night, we moved from existing (because it was as close as we could get to living) to actually living.
You are sound asleep beside me. I had to stop writing a few minutes ago. The tears I shed the night before our wedding stopped by to visit. They were the same tears you saw at RFK stadium just before the soccer match. They show up every once in a while to remind me of our journey.
This is our time! We can't make any claims against the future. Nothing will ever be as real as the moment we are in.
I love you! Thanks for putting up with me when I'm hungry and grouchy. Thanks for supporting me when it wasn't popular. Thanks for giving me the space necessary to write. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to walk into this season holding your hand. Here's looking at you:
