Miranda and Cameryn
More Appropriately Titled: Hey, Miranda, We Heard You Like Getting Catfished So We Got You A Catfish Who’s Actually Another Catfish Who’s Actually A Third Catfish
It’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
It’s the most dramatic episode of Catfish ever.
MTV usually graces us with a Pulp Fiction-esque move, giving us the end at the beginning. However, that dramatically flopped in this episode because we open with Miranda, wearing more chevron than I’ve ever seen in my life, telling Brangelina “she just texted me.” Well, we thought you were waiting for a dude so that ruins that one. Good going, MTV.
We start off with a baller ass subject line: “I’ve been in love with 2 guys…but it’s the same guy!” Oprah and Gail both look like Scooby Doo when he cocked his head and said, “arrr??” So we’re twerkin’ wit’ 21 year-old Miranda from Owatonna, Minnesota. Max says, “We're in Minnesota now!” Oh my god! That’s so crazy! It’s like they were gonna be filming a TV show there or something! Miranda has been talking to Cameryn since 2011. It was painfully difficult for me to spell Cameryn like that. Just spell it right for Christ’s sake. Here’s the curveball-Miranda went to his hometown in California. While there, he had a string of excuses and lies regarding why he couldn’t see her. Miranda became hella suspish. She confronted him and he came clean. His real name is James and he’s from Atlanta, just like every other catfish. James hooked her and pulled the ole bait ‘n’ switch.
They get Miranda on the horn. She says they have a real connection and he listens to all her problems. Problems problems problems girls always have fucking problems, don’t they. Miranda used the techniques Milli and Vanilli use to find information. She found a photo of him at a nightclub where he was tagged as another guy. He finally admitted his name is James. Miranda says she loves him but she won’t believe it’s him till she meets him in person.
They hoof it on over to Miranda’s house. There’s like, two feet of snow in her front yard and she’s wearing a crop top. That’s what we’re dealing with this episode.
FOR THHEEE MTV SOBB STORRRYY!!!
Miranda’s mom used to run a daycare, but had to give it up because of Crohn’s disease. She found Cameryn online and they connected because he understood what she was going through: he has a sister with leukemia.
Now we’re done with the sad stuff. Miranda has a very thick Midwestern accent. She sounds amazing. I find few things more comforting than a thick Midwestern accent. The harsher the vowels, the better. Miranda shares she went out to California to pursue fashion. Anyone with a weird headband is a fashionista these days. This is how Cameryn got busted. He used every excuse in the book to get out of seeing her. That’s why Miranda became suspicious he wasn’t who he said he was. I use every excuse in the book to get out of hanging with my friends, but I’m exactly who I say I am: a redheaded internet troll. She found a photo of Cameryn at a nightclub. She googled the club and learned he was really Josh. She contacted Josh to inform him of the situation and he flipped a table Jersey style, he was so furious.
Miranda had to move back to Minnesota and she reconnected with Cameryn who is now James. James said he created the profile as a way to escape from his reality.
Zack and Cody sit down with Miranda to go through all the dirt she’s got on James. She has over 10,000 messages from him. Max says, “That is a lot of talking,” in a tone where you can tell he doesn’t like a chatty woman. MTV shows us a super long montage of fake text messages full of gross stuff like pet nicknames and pleasantries. Miranda says she was thinking of marrying him. Oy vey.
Hall and Oates sit down to stalk a grown man. They start with the great American classic google image search. It yields no results. They search his name and begin sifting through Facebook profiles of guys named James. They find an old man named James in Georgia, so Chip and Dale say hmm there’s only one James in Georgia so this must be him! They peruse, then agree there might be more than one James in Georgia and move on. They google his name again which leads us to a sex offenders registry. Please please please PLEASSSE be him. We've yet to have a sex offender on Catfish. Pedophile James is confined to prison. Max says maybe that’s why he won’t meet her. Nev says, “sweet, salt and peppery angel, Max. He couldn't be in constant contact with her if he’s in prison. That’s such a novice mistake. It’s like we’re back to season one.”
They pop James’ celly in the ole Spokeo rodeo. While they’re waiting for Spokeo to load because apparently Minnesota is still on dial-up, Nev grabs Max’s shoulders. Max says, “I don't like it when you touch me. Please don't touch me.” Pretending they're not a couple is their foreplay. We’ve got a hit on Spokeo; a woman named Hang. This isn't looking all that great. They search her on Facebook and find she lives in Georgia. She has a son named James around Miranda’s age. Uh oh.
Beyonce and Jay meet Miranda, her sister, and her friend at a store that sells exactly what you'd expect a store in Minnesota to sell. Both Miranda’s sister and friend express their concerns and say they feel James knows Miranda better than they do.
They sit down with Miranda to share all their findings. She looks like she just left a Nirvana concert. Huck Fin and Tom Sawyer share everything they have. Miranda’s sister looks like she’s going to have a stroke when they get to the sex offenders page. But SIKE! That's a false lead. Miranda says she still wants to meet him.
Nev gives James a lil ring-a-doo. James begrudgingly agrees to meet Miranda.
In their traveling montage, Miranda calls James to let him know she’s made it to Georgia. He ignores the call. Could MTV be foreshadowing? Is MTV familiar with such an advanced literary technique?
The next morning, Nev voices his concern about how they still haven't heard from James. Also something to be noted: their hotel room has a whirlpool smack dab in the middle of the room. I’m no interior designer, but that is odd. Max tells Nev to call James. James ignores him. He sends him a text message. Just like I had to do when the school was debating whether or not I was to be expelled, all they can do is wait.
They go down to Miranda’s room to tell her what’s going on. She’s wearing something funky. Turner and Hooch beat around the bush saying stuff like, “Wow, look at that.” But my dad just burst out laughing and said, “What the hell does she have on?” Miranda says she never thought James would bail. They wait in silence to see if he responds. He finally sends five text messages. James says his family is preventing him from meeting Miranda and he can Skype them instead. Max is furious. He throws his camera through the wall and checks himself back into anger management.
Ben and Jerry break the news to Miranda. Lot of tears. Too many tears for my liking. I like negative tears. I like people who can suck up water. James agrees to Skype but asks to speak to Harry and Ron alone. Nev has Miranda stand off to the side to listen in. It’s similar to a three-way call attack you got in middle school.
Surprise! James is a girl. Miranda was catfished. Her real name is Gabby. She stands by her story that her family wouldn’t let her meet Miranda. She says she considers her and Miranda to be best friends, although she has a romantic interest in her. Max tells Nev to stop being a middle school bully and have Miranda speak to Gabby instead of lurk in the background like a creep.
Nev bullies Gabby into meeting them in person.
Nev asks the stupidest question, gets the stupidest response, and then is surprised by the whole thing. He asks, “How does it feel in regards to the fact that you kind of had a boyfriend twenty minutes ago and now you don't?” Miranda replies, “It’s like I’m talking to a whole ‘nother person.” Nev looks baffled and says, “Right.”
It's the next day and Miranda’s all chevron’d out. Gabby has given her the name of a park at which to meet her. Miranda says she has a little understanding as to why she may have done it. She understands it’s not easy for everyone to confront their sexuality to themselves or others.
They arrive at the park. Gabby sends her a text that just says, “sorry Miranda.” They try to contact her, but she won’t answer. She sends another text that says, “I really can’t come.” More tears. Gross! Miranda takes an anger walk, sobs, then punches a tree so furiously, it busts into woodchips on impact.
One month later, Gabby is remorsefulness for how she treated Miranda. Gabby says she and Miranda are on good terms. Miranda is still wearing weird headbands. She says their conversations are flirty. Gabby is coming to visit Miranda. What a whirlwind.
Recommendation: 2/5 Would Recommend
MTV really screwed the pooch on this one when they basically identified the catfish within the first thirty seconds of the show. However, this would be a good episode for an MTV crossover. There are so many layers of catfish here, it’s like Xzibit pimped this episode.
We never looped back to James’ sister with leukemia. Was she real? Also, why was that whirlpool in the middle of the room? I’m gonna write a letter to the Hilton Garden Inn and ask.
